Hello, It's Me.

Hey, wsup, hello!

It's been... a long, long time. As in, the last time that I wrote on this blog OBAMA WAS STILL PRESIDENT. I have a draft written from February of 2017 that I never finished and now it's almost February of 2018 and here I am. I will write a complete post if it takes me the rest of the year, damn it!!!

I was originally going to make a bullet point list of everything you guys have missed since August of 2016, month-by-month, but I would have only listed the highlights and it would make my journey seem like only great things happen and give off the impression that there has been no struggle at all. I would then just spew on about how grateful I am for every opportunity and door that God has opened and people who are actors reading this post will think I have it easy, that maybe they're not meant to be actors because things aren't happening for them the way they're happening for me, or even that I know what I'm doing because I have opportunities coming my way.

So, I'm here to be real with ya'll.

Since I finished my UCLA program I was fortunate enough to perform in the ABC Discovers Talent Showcase. The showcase is a one-night, industry and invite only event that showcases 12-14 actors ABC has chosen out of thousands and says, "We believe in these actors and you should too." Careers have been changed from this showcase. Emmy and Oscar winners are alumni. It's crazy. But I didn't know any of that going into it.

I had seen a breakdown on Actors Access that said something about an ABC Showcase. I thought, hey, I'd love to be on an ABC show! I submitted. A few weeks later I was contacted about an initial audition, but I didn't get too excited. I wasn't really sure what this showcase even was. I was told to choose a comedy or drama for my audition (I obviously chose comedy) and was given a scene. The scene I was given for my first audition was playing a 40 year old divorced mother of 3. I thought to myself, Welp... there's no way you're pulling this off, but you better do your damn best. My sister drove me to my audition that day because I didn't want to drive to Burbank without taking the carpool lane, and together we walked onto the ABC/Disney Animation campus for the first, and what would certainly not be my last time. Walking through the halls and seeing photos of some of my favorite shows lining the walls gave me the nervous poops. Serena was also geeking out. I love her so much. I pooped in a restroom that would soon become the restroom I would nervous poop in three more times (it's on the ground floor, through the double doors by the employee of the month frames). I went upstairs to casting and waited for my turn. I went into the audition room to be greeted by three completely straight faced humans and a camera staring at me. One was a lady who I was sure was not having any of my shit and who I was sure hated me after I finished my audition. I would find out after the showcase that after that audition she said, "I like that girl. I'm gonna push for her." WOO I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL JUST WRITING THAT. She turned out to be the sweetest and most caring executive who put her heart into us actors and looked out for us.

ANYHOW. I completely wrote off the showcase after my first audition, because as aforementioned, I thought they completely hated me. But to my surprise, I was called back. And then called back again. And then called back three more times. And then was CAST with 13 other AMAZING human beings whose talent blows my mind, humility keeps me grounded, and positivity keeps me going. My cast and I bonded through the process and I'm so glad to add more artists to my community to keep me inspired and excited.

No words can express how immensely grateful I am to have made it to the ABC Showcase on my first try. I know some actors who have submitted for years and years and have never even gotten a first audition. I found out that thousands of actors submitted and for some reason, the decision makers at ABC liked my lil headshot/resume and brought me in.
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Yes, this was an INCREDIBLE door to have opened for me. Yes, it would seem like the doubt, struggle, fear, anxiety, and stress will have evaporated now that I have the ABC Showcase in my arsenal, but they haven't. I found myself doubting my abilities as an actor and my calling to this industry almost immediately after the showcase. I found myself back in my head and wondering as I met with managers and agents, Will they like me? What if they already have an Asian girl? What if I am the one person from the showcase who amounts to nothing and quits acting and everyone wonders "what ever happened to her"? My default is doubt. ESPECIALLY in my career. In this thing that is so uncertain, so unnavigable, so counter-cultural and unconventional, and so hard to measure the success of. I felt and still feel pressure to prove myself. The executives at ABC told us that nothing happens overnight but still I thought, for me it HAS to. There are so many people watching me, rooting for me, and even some doubting me.

I haven't been very open about my struggles with confidence and haven't been transparent about the pressure I feel to succeed on this blog or on my social media. Obviously, you get the highlights of my life. You see when I book. You see the cool opportunities I get to swim with dolphins. You see clips of me on Netflix or on TV. And then you think, she must be doing really well. Looks like she has it all figured out and her career is taking off.

"When am I going to see you starring in your own show?"
"Are you famous yet?"
"Don't forget me when you're a star!"
"So do you get to be on ABC now?"
"I can't WAIT to see you on TV!"

All of these statements are well-meaning and I appreciate the thought behind them, but for me, with my history of seeking approval based on performance, with suffering from paralyzing panic and anxiety attacks when I feel like I'm not perfect, and with my need to make my mom and my loved ones proud, I start to crumble.

What you guys don't see is the insomnia that strikes at least once a week, where I'm up thinking about all the "what-ifs". Believe you me, I try my best not to. But if you're naturally anxious like me, you understand that one little "what-if" that slips into your mind becomes the gateway for a spiral into never-ending doubt. What you guys don't see are the countless rejections now that I (thankfully) have more auditions. What you guys don't see are the lists of Asian actresses who signed in at auditions before and after me who look like me but are better. (Of course, I know I am that girl to them as they are to me, but I can't help thinking it! I compare myself to them! Yes, comparison is the thief of joy. I'm working on it.) I work out so that maybe I have an edge on the "competition" but oh wait, all these other Asian girls have the metabolism of a 13 year old boy... do they sell fast metabolism on Amazon??? What you guys don't see are the hours I put into memorizing the audition sides, the shaking of my hands as I drive to an audition and pray that I do my very best, at the very least, or the tomato red my face gets if I mess up a word and get flustered like a fucking amateur.

It's a hard industry. And I've been fortunate enough to have it easy! I know this!!!!! My first two years pursuing acting compared to others' is like getting a star in Mario-Kart. Some days I feel like I'm on a fast-track to success. And then some days I wonder if it's just "a pipe-dream". *cue la la land scene in front of Mia's house that makes me cry literally every time*
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I recently went on a retreat with the women of my church. Our theme was maturity, and the passage we focused on was when Gabriel appeared to Mary to tell her she was going to be pregnant with Jesus, the Son of God, the Savior. Our phenomenal speaker Erina talked about this huge calling Mary had, that she may not have felt equipped for, that she could and SHOULD have doubted (um... pregnant without sex?), and that she probably wouldn't have been our first choice (she's a lil' poor nobody from the ghetto). She was "counter-cultural" in every way--a woman, poor, a Jew, soon-to-be pregnant as a virgin... But she had the favor of the Lord. She had faith. She stepped into her calling and trusted God. She decided not to give a shit what people think because her feet, her truth, and her voice were firmly planted in her God.

I drew parallels from Mary's and my life. Obviously, my calling isn't as daunting as having to go through 9 months of being pregnant, giving birth, and oh yeah, raising the Savior of the world. But I do have a calling that I don't feel worthy of--a calling that feels bigger than me, that will take time to cultivate, and where I won't see immediate results. And I am counter-cultural in my pursuit of the arts over *insert every stereotypical Asian field*. And like Mary, I do have the favor of the Lord upon me. In my two and a half short years of pursuing acting I acted opposite Patrick J. Adams, I shot multiple commercials, one of which flew me out to SF and Mexico, I performed in the ABC Showcase, Disney reached out to me to audition for the lead in a new feature animated film they're working on, I got to have a couple lines on one of my favorite shows, and I can be seen on Netflix. None of this was me. I couldn't have written that story. I couldn't have imagined that as my story. It was ALL GOD.

And so, like Mary, I'm going trust in God. Trust that everything that has happened for me is just fuel for me to dive deeper into my calling. I feel 1,000% certain that being a voice for the voiceless and storytelling is that calling, and that acting is the conduit. I know that it's going to be shitty, and I'm going to inevitably doubt, be anxious, be worried, and daydream about giving up. But I also know that anything worth achieving in this life isn't going to come easily, and that my journey as an actor will bring inspiration and be a testimony of God's goodness, and that I LOVE what I do. I am working on a lot of things: finding the strength in my voice, honing my craft, fully trusting in God and His plan, and reminding myself when I doubt of all the ways God has been faithful and shown His favor upon me.

To all of you who are following a dream and calling that seem too big, I hope we can journey together to the top of the mountain, look down and see the fucking treacherous mess we came from, and know that only by the Grace of God and with each other, were we able to make it. I BELIEVE IN YOU AND I BELIEVE IN US!

<3
Olive

Owning It

Hello friends!

Holy bubbles! I'm done with my UCLA Program! If you haven't been keeping up you can read about my program here and here and maybe here. Now that the program has ended I thought I would reflect on some key things I gained from the program, as well as some of the things I've learned throughout the past year of my acting career.

AUDITIONING IS THE JOB.
The one thing every instructor and guest seemed to repeat was that the audition is the job. You are considered a working actor if you're going out on auditions because THAT'S what you have to do for the rest of your life! Unless you get into the top 5% of actors whose work is so well known and trusted that roles are actually written for them (I'm talking about you, Leo. Congrats on the Oscar. ILYSM). With that in mind they want us to love the process of auditioning and look at it as our time to do what we love, which is to act. Taking that mentality in with me to my auditions has really helped me with the audition jitters. Now I can go into a room and act like the role is mine for five minutes. If they like me, then they like me. If they don't, then better luck next time! It's taken off a lot of pressure and has made me a much more confident and less desperate actor.

THE CASTING DIRECTOR IS YOUR FRIEND.
We've had a handful of casting directors come in to speak, we're talking big name casting directors (i.e. Pretty Little Liars, Friends, VP of casting at Warner Bros. and NBC) who have all told us that they are on our side. They WANT us to succeed because they WANT to look good for casting the right person for the role. Us actors go into rooms and look at them as a roadblock to our future when really, they're quite possibly the REASON for any success we happen to achieve. My instructors have all said that you're not auditioning for the part, but for the casting director. If you leave a good impression with the CD as a hardworking and talented actor, then it is literally their job to remember you for a role that you'd be good for. Develop a good reputation and relationship with the CDs in the business and you'll be going in for a lot more auditions.

INCREDIBLE FRIENDS.
I feel so incredibly fortunate to have found my people. To be in a community of like-minded artists who love the art and want to create as much as you do is seriously... priceless. I don't have family in the business, and I didn't have many friends either. I was lost and was figuring it out on my own. The classmates turned best friends have been the GREATEST part of the program. I know that we will continue to support each other, include each other, root for each other, and do this crazy industry together. If any of ya'll are reading this, LOVE YOU!!!

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.
This is self-explanatory. People remember assholes. I didn't have to learn it, but some people do. *throws shade*

CONFIDENCE. 
One year ago if you asked me "What do you do?" I would have told you that I was "Pursuing acting". Actually, up until about three weeks ago I still would have told you I was pursuing acting. I stayed away from the answer "I'm an actor" for fear of judgement. I feared people would either scoff because it was so absurd to pursue a career in the arts, or scoff because they thought "Who does this girl think she is? Does she want to be famous or something?" I was almost ashamed of my decision to chase my dream. Plus, if I said I was "pursuing acting" then it was still a work in progress. I wouldn't have to answer the follow-up question of, "have you been in anything I may have seen?" to which I would have to say, "um, no... probably not." It was a security blanket for me. If I didn't call myself an Actor then I would still have an out. It wouldn't be real. It would be me chasing after something intangible and I could jump ship at any time and just call it a phase. End the chapter with the at least I tried mentality.

But this program has solidified the fact that I LOVE ACTING!!! I love telling stories, I love making people feel things, I love entertaining, I love the healing that can come from both performing and witnessing. I love it. I am so, SO proud to call myself a storyteller and I absolutely cannot WAIT to tell more stories! And that is the biggest lesson that I've learned from this program: I effin' love acting and I am so glad that I decided to go for it.

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A few weeks ago I worked on an unpaid USC student film. I loved the work. I am willing to be poor and work three side jobs forever if it means I get to act. That's an amazing feeling.

Anyhow, I'll be back with an update on the jobs and auditions I've been able to go on. Until then, keep me in your prayers! God's been opening doors left and right, which tells me I'm in the right place right now. I can't wait for what's to come!

TTYL,

Olivia Liang, Actor.